Whispering Shadow

I am neither a misanthrope nor asocial. I am not driven by rebellion or non-conformance either. However, I am strongly driven by values of secular humanism, chief among them being fairness, simplicity, respect, integrity, wisdom, efficiency and scientific thinking. I also judge my actions by a simple thumb rule. I always ask myself "Is what I do thoughtful, helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind?". If the answer is no to any question, I choose to avoid the action. I call this the "THINK" rule. During the months leading to my wedding and the weeks following my wedding, I have often heard the phrase "man is a social animal" being used as a driver of certain actions that seem illogical but indispensable part of our fabric. In addition, many practices are disguised under the veil of apparently righteous terms like "culture" and "tradition". Many of these actions or practices surrounding the wedding strongly challenged my value system. I w...

2014 has been the year that tested my tenacity in more than one way. The year posed many challenges on both the personal and professional front, which took away incredible amount of energy from me. I wanted to end the year on a high, but on the contrary, I am feeling at my lowest ever. My marriage, being the largest exercise in managing egos of diverse stake holders, took away my focus from my classroom. My students, who were on the path of transformation, have now lost the momentum towards their goals thanks to my distracted inputs and the absence of my co-teacher and thought partner. I am mentally tough and well planned, which has helped me deal well with the stress, but I am disappointed with the permanence of the outcomes which my dedicated effort in the classroom have yielded. Everyone tells me that I have fared fairly well considering the circumstances. For me, these two years were not about surviving, they were about pushing the limits of my belief, of what I can achieve. I h...

Having finally got a holiday, I decided to catch up with Haider. I had received mixed reviews about it, but since it is a Vishal Bhardwaj movie, I was willing to take my chances. I was not disappointed. The adaptation of Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in the context of Kashmir's history was masterful. The story was stretched unnecessarily at certain points in the plot, but the execution and performances were so stunning that I was not complaining. I am not going to review the movie in detail in this post. Instead I want to capture the feelings which Tabu's portrayal of Ghazala evoked in me. Ghazala's role is a complex character. She is torn between her love for her son, her commitment to her husband and her passion for her lover. At no point does she have all three of them due to which she is always left wanting in the movie. The void itself is difficult to portray because all these relationships are defined in a manner that would be considered unorthodox in Ind...

Mehak is one of the advanced readers in my classroom who demonstrates a high degree of value based leadership and takes immense pride in her team’s and her own learning. In the month of September 2014, our team was struggling with two out of four fellows in the grade being out of action due to severe illness and the rest of us struggling with our own wellbeing. As a contingency plan, we had to reshuffle fellows among grades 7 and 8 to ensure continuity of learning. Due to the sudden changes in class structures and increased number of students to manage, the quality and quantity of my interaction with my own class fell significantly. I was feeling dejected that I couldn’t finish the term on a high after starting off on a strong footing. Noticing my mood, Mehak wrote to me a letter. Among the many things she wrote, she mentioned how I was the one who told her “how each chapter links to the vision” and “made her goals more clear”; how I showed her the “importance of friendship” by “c...

I strongly believe that the only way your students can imbibe a value is if you demonstrate it with utmost consistency in the classroom. I have focused a great deal on teamwork, hardwork, honesty and self control and have been able to demonstrate these virtues everyday. In addition, I have started  implicitly teaching my kids about excellence, empathy and gratitude. The last two weeks have been unimaginably stressful. It has been a true strength of my mental and emotional stamina. My focus has simply been to ensure continuity of learning despite everything that has changed inside the classroom and in our lives. In this time, I have often been slacking on some of the values of the class - especially excellence and self control.  I have realized how efficiently classroom systems and procedures helped me manage my energy this far. Many of them have gotten undone with changes in class and team structure. The burden of many small decisions has fallen back upon me, which t...

Our 7th grade team is reduced to half its strength because of which the remaining half, Neerja and I, have had to put in four times the effort in the class. I have personally had a terrible week in terms of engagement and management of the classroom. It is difficult to teach two classes well simultaneously if you are a single teacher. You need extremely strong structures and procedures, which currently don't exist in all the three classes. I have reached that stage again where I have started looking at everything in school negatively. I sometimes begin to wonder if their has been any change at all. I realize that the stress is just overshadowing everything that we have achieved this year. I am going to pause  the frantic pace of work this week to think about each kid in my new class. Alisha CB now comes to school regularly and participates in all classroom activities. Aliya and Mahek have matured into a strong and gritty leaders, learning to manage the different wo...

This week has been one of the toughest weeks of my life for many reasons. The good news is it is over. I need to adapt to the changed circumstances and quickly regain the momentum. Before I get lost in the craziness of planning and execution, I want to spend a few minutes looking at the bright side of the week that went by. I am thankful to Pritish for reaching out and considering me a true friend. I am thankful for how Metamorphians saw this week through. This week gave me a chance to see the independence which my kids have achieved. They were incredible. In a week when I was lost and lessons were haphazard, they held the class together on their own, showing tremendous patience with me and a lot of grace under pressure in handling the class. I owe them a celebration. I am thankful that our 7th grade team is reunited. We had parted for the sake of consistency and connect with the kids, but circumstances have brought us back together. As Neerja and I were thinking about the new s...

The monsoon season brings with it the onset of seasonal diseases. A concentrated number of incidents occur in areas which have a conducive environment for the vectors and microbes of illnesses to thrive, like Shivaji Nagar, and the high density of people in such areas ensure they spread rapidly. No matter how much care one takes of themselves, failing health is a constant challenge during the season. A five day outbound retreat, multivitamin supplements, preventive medication, regular exercise, additional hours of sleep - nothing works. I have strong plans for my kids, but I don't know how to over power the constant attack of illness. I recovered from viral fever last week and am currently suffering from conjunctivitis. Further, it doesn't help when not just you but the whole team is struggling with the problem. A team member recovered from malaria a fortnight ago, another has just recovered from typhoid. My co-fellow had a bacterial infection accompanied by high fever las...

Aliya (see picture) is one of the sharpest and most hardworking students of my class. She is an exceptional leader. Above all, she is tenacious and raises her bar every time we require her to. Considering how most parents are in Shivaji Nagar, I had assumed her parents would be well educated to have trained not only Aliya but also their other two daughters well. I had assumed that they would be financially well off to afford education for all their three daughters in private schools or colleges. My visit to her house today proved me wrong. I had never visited Aliya's house because I always prioritized other parents over Aliya's  considering her parents' and her own investment in her education was high. I was at Mehfooz's house when he told me that Aliya lives in the neighbourhood. I told him to take me to her house after I had met his parents. He took me down the pathway to the street bordering the garbage dumping ground, which is  the largest in Mumbai. The stenc...

I have been thinking a lot more about the year with my students in school. My vision for them is to leave them with a sense of independence so that they can drive their own actions everyday to become better people, regardless of how good or how bad their next teacher is. I want them to be people who go to a college, work honestly and contribute to their family, community and country. I want them to be people who are critical thinkers and strong speakers who can differentiate between right and wrong. I want them to be open to new ideas, culture and people. I started on the right note - setting clear norms in the classroom and creating a common language among the kids. I can see the difference in the class with things being much better than they were this year - both in terms of lessons and in terms of classroom culture. However, being better is not enough. My children have to be excellent. For being excellent, I have to change the tone from one that is negative to one that is posit...

I live with a high degree of objectivity in most everyday aspects of life. On the other hand, I also live with a high degree of romanticism about certain things -  nature, friendship, purpose and poetry. Marriage falls somewhere in between the two where the lines of romanticism and objectivity meet. On one side there is romantic love. It is unconditional and selfless. It does not have an ounce of materialism but tonnes of spirituality. It is organic, flowing and boundless. On the other side, there is a 'ritualistic project' that has an objective of showcasing  the union of two families to the world, or at least those who they know in the world, on a scale that appropriately projects the image of the two families. Henceforth, I will call this project a marriage for the ease of reference. Being five months away from my own marriage, I am facing a tough act juggling the two - my firm belief in romantic love and the 'ritualistic project' that is my marriage itself. I...

Dear Humanity, Congratulations. You have successfully shifted gears in the journey towards self-destruction. The events of the last few weeks have absolutely convinced me that there is nothing much we can do to slow things down. You have adopted a multi-pronged approach in ensuring we moving faster towards the goal of annihalation of our race. Whether it is conflict over a piece of land (in Gaza and Ukraine ), whether it is fighting for religious supremacy ( the Shia-Sunni war in Iraq and the Islamist insurgency in Nigeria ) , whether it is killing for power over civilians (in Syria , Egypt , Somalia and Sudan ), whether it is demonstrating the superiority of the male gender ( rapes in India , including the rape in school ) and whether it is carelessness in handling deadly epidemics and their carriers ( Ebola , MERS , screw up - for the lack of a better word- by CDC ), you have done it all. Like an icing on the cake, the collateral damage of your endeavours has even included the...

Entry two - 5th July 2014 I had the first movie time of the year in school. I showed my kids the movie "Kungfu Panda", which they absolutely loved. They have come to realize that movies are no longer just fun time. They will have to think and they will have to write. At the bare minimum, they will have to apply the skills they learn in comprehension and listening, they will have to make connections between the movie and their own life and they will have to think about values of the classroom every time they watch a movie. After the movie was over and we finished discussing the characters and their qualities, the big idea and the examples of values shown in the movie, we moved on to discussing what we could learn from it. I asked my students to write it in their diary so that we could share it with the class. And as is the case with every time they write their diary, I write my own blog. Being a teacher, what I learned from Kungfu Panda is the teacher can have no favour...

With the effects of Vipassana reducing and its practice ceasing in the last few days, I realized I was becoming more and more irritable at work and at home. I have to find someway that doesn't necessary require me to practice meditation in silence everyday but yet acknowledge the state of my mind and body with equanimity. Hence, I will start blogging with notes from the day everyday - trying to focus on finding a little bit of sunshine in what could also be a miserable day. Additionally, this will serve the purpose of the daily diary I read out to my kids in class. Entry One: 2nd July 2014 Today was a special day. The monsoons came back in their full splendour to the city. With them, they brought their share of smiles, laughter and some much needed relief from the heat of the extended summers. As is the case with every  monsoon, I was excited to step out and play in the rain. However, I couldn't because I had classes to take and meetings to attend. I had thought I will ha...

Hi Guys, I have been focusing on optimistic realism after Vipassana and this mail is one of the many exhibits of that. Despite the unending stream of challenges, the constant burden of planning and executing, a massive achievement gap and the constant lack of external motivation, we have set ambitious targets for our kids. We have taken these targets because we genuinely believe things can change. We have taken these targets because we know that it will be too late for the kids if it is not now. We have taken these targets because we know if we get anywhere close to them, we will probably draw inspiration from this one year of our life forever. This will not be easy. There will be days we feel low, there will be assessments where our kids and our confidence is shattered, there will be students who will make us want to give up on them and there will be times when things are in turmoil on the personal front. On those days, I want us to be there for one another. To remind each ot...

Seeing the new fellows who have joined our school team, I am reminded of how we started our journey in Jafari. I am reminded of the long path we have walked since that day of 24th June when we first met my kids. Looking at the journey of the fellowship from an everyday micro perspective did not make the growth easily apparent. However, when I compare my classroom now to how it was last year and when I compare our instruction style as compared to our incoming batch, I realize somethings have changed. I am much more perceptive of the needs of my children and how to reach out to them. Not only that, I am aware of how to convert the insights of perception to instruction in the classroom. I see how my teacher presence has improved significantly, how I am a lot calmer in the classroom now and as a result, a lot smoother in executing my plan. I understand the need to spend time investing my children in what I believe is good for them. Neither academic, values or exposure are complete...

My school reopens tomorrow after the summer vacations. I am so glad I had the break. It gave me an opportunity to zoom out and think about many things - both related and not-related to the fellowship. It gave me the time to plan keeping in mind where exactly I want to see my children and how I can link my every action with that destination I have decided for them.  With all the thinking came the feeling of being overwhelmed, about how much I had not done in the year gone by and how much more there remains to be done for my kids. I did quite a bit of planning that puts me in a comfortable position as compared to some of the others in my team, but I still feel I haven't done enough to fulfill the vision I have for my kids. With all the goals that I have set for my kids and the sudden turn of events in my own life, if I achieve 70% of the ambitious short term goals I have set for my kids, I would consider I have done a fair job. In addition, by the end of the year, I would have sta...

I attended a 10 day Vipassana program  as taught by S.N.Goenka. I wanted to write a lot about it but I decided against it. I think each person's experience should be their own, since the technique itself works within the framework of one's own body. Here are the reasons I liked it so much: 1) It is universal and secular. Anyone above the age of 18 can practice it in its pure form whereas youngsters have age appropriate courses. 2) You can experience its effects then and there. And no, they are more than the effects of not communicating or not accessing technology for 10 days. 3) It doesn't promise miracles but offers a way of gradually being happy (or liberated, if you believe in after life or rebirth) through a logical argument based on: a) morality of action - One must only perform actions and do work that benefit others or work that does not harm others. The intent or motive is more important than the verbal or physical manifestation of the action. b) complete ...

Days became weeks, weeks became months, months became semesters and semesters became a year.  If I were to make a relative comparison to the other years of my life, I have had the shortest year with probably the longest days. What changed? I joined the TFI fellowship in one of the most challenging schools in the city. During the year, I did not ever take the time to zoom out and think about what I was learning. I did put in a lot of thought about my work and my students but never about my own development. One month down the vacation, I have been wondering if I learnt anything at all - and I have decided to put this conversation with myself on paper in case my future self wishes to refer to it. What did the year teach me? 1) I learnt to value what I took for granted, though gratitude is still a work in progress -an upbringing that gave me the wisdom to choose wisely, a privileged education , access to books and internet, supportive family, encouraging friends, love, travel,...

Inheriting a history of repeated failure, Yet achieving the impossible in his tenure, Wounded in battle, but standing tall in the war. What is this man made of? Completing a journey of a million hurdles, While his own demons he handles, Tired on the path, but always in motion. What is that man made of? Making a voice heard in a jungle of chaos, Speaking with courage for a worthy cause, Choosing the right, rather than the easy path. What is this man made of? Remaining calm in the face of calamity, Holding back anger as a reflex to stupidity, Never showing frustration, but reason What is the man made of? Melting hearts that were frozen since ages, Lending a ear to the ones in dark cages, Free falling often, yet being a pillar of strength  What is that man made of? Working without support nor appreciation, Never boastful of his contribution, Of a royal stature, yet living in a humble abode What is that man made of? ...

I was at Powai lake the  other day for a meeting with my manager. (Yes, we do have occasional meetings at places of our choice to set the a mood suitable for the nature of the discussion)  After the meeting, I was taking a walk along the lake while watching the sunset. I hadn't eaten anything after lunch so I was hungry. I couldn't find any place nearby despite searching. I saw an old Sardarji and his friend eating a vada paav. The Sardarji was on his phone while his friend was waiting for him to finish the conversation. I asked his friend from where he got the vada paav. He gave me directions to the place. I thanked him and was about to walk towards the place when the sardarji indicated to me to wait. I decided I will respectfully wait. When he finished, he told me "Son, that place is far. You will have to walk around 10 minutes. If you are hungry, you can take one of our vada paav as we have got extra ones." I politely refused and told him I was anyway walking in t...

My first year of the fellowship is almost nearing an end. It has been one crazy roller coaster ride with its share of highs and lows. I have too many things on my mind and I am hoping by writing them down, I will free up some much needed mind space for other equally important things. Showing gratitude was one of my new year resolutions. I want to end the year by thanking everyone (or everything) who (which) has helped me see this through. In no specific order, I would like to acknowledge: My students, Mehak and Aliya , for constantly showing me the mirror and setting high expectations of me in the classroom - whether it is in my conduct or in my effort. My students, Muzammil and Awesh , for making me see that permanent change has no easy fixes. My students, Alfiya and Farheen , for making me believe that transformation is possible and there is a leader in each of us that is waiting to be discovered. My students , in general, for all the love and for providing me the toughest ch...

I had a very forgettable day at school yesterday. Somehow everything seemed to be falling apart in school. Our classes which are otherwise the more disciplined ones were have their off days.I discovered some students who were leaders in the class had chosen to be dishonest. Some others had chosen to not show respect to their team members and some even to their teachers. I was mighty upset at how I realized progress in the classroom was just a delusion I was living in. And in my frustration, I did end up showing my anger to my kids. I came back home. I decided against calling parents of kids who I had chastised for an update and give myself time to process information with clarity. I chose to take the evening off. Thankfully, my friend was here from Delhi. I did speak a lot with her about the state of things. While our conversations were not necessarily restricted to the classroom, I could connect back a lot of what we spoke back to my students. Both of us decided to watch Queen th...

I had taken some of my kids who had received the Avasara Scholarship to the American School of Bombay for the award ceremony. There were seven of my students, their mothers and some of their siblings. One of my students Amrita was accompanied by her mother and two siblings - Jyoti who was four and Gayatri who was less than two years old. Jyoti was not supposed to be attending the event, but had to join her mother at the last minute due to her dad not being at home (which is also their vegetable shop) to attend to her. I thought what could go wrong with having an additional kid as long as their mother was accompanying them. However, meeting Jyoti was quite an eye-opener for me in understanding what some of my kids may have faced as they grow up at home. Since her mother was busy attending to the youngest daughter, Jyoti's care was left to Amrita. Amrita being a child herself and having no experience in handling kids did exactly what she saw her parents do at home - asking Jyoti...

I was happy after school yesterday.  Mahek and Aliya were conducting extra classes for kids. They were helping people learn math and complete their homework.  Despite there being no teacher in class, the kids continued working independently following all the rules.  No other students from 6th or 7th who stayed back showed such self control.  It was the first sign of my  Metamorphians being the best class in not only the grade but the whole school. Studness is happening.  I can't wait to see them grow and learn next year.

Without wanting to sound boastful, I must say I am proud of my mental toughness. I am. Rarely in life there has been a situation where I have felt I can't overcome a hurdle. I have always achieved what I wanted by being planned, focused and tenacious. However, I think in the fellowship, I have met my match. The first six months were difficult but manageable, but the last two months, when my stamina has reached its fag end, have been incredibly challenging. It is not that I am working lesser than earlier. I just have an increased cognizance of the effectiveness of what I am doing now. Many inputs are working for a majority of my students. My class has come a long way in terms of investment. There is a sense of oneness in the team. There is pride in belonging to the class. My students are working towards protect the class culture. I have a strong set of class leaders, who are learning to act with ethics, fairness and compassion. They have started sharing their thoughts and feeling...

As is evident from my last blog post, I have been having a tough time in the classroom for the last few weeks. To break the monotony, my co-fellows (Harry and Rajesh) and I decided to take our kids on a field trip on Thursday. We left immediately after school to save time. On board the train, we debriefed the kids on where we were going and what they were going to do to make this a memorable experience. Our first stop was the St. Xavier’s College , Harry’s alma mater. Harry’s friends were kind enough to show the kids around the college. The kids showed tremendous enthusiasm in greeting and meeting the collegians as well as explore the campus. Some of them for the first time saw a grand old college building, a chemistry lab, a fully functioning library, preparations for a college festival and a canteen where college goers ‘chillmarofy’ when they are free. We all grabbed a quick lunch and then moved on to our next destination, the 321 school. The 321 school is first in what wil...