How is it going, daddy? (9/n)

It has been 9 months since I posted about my parenting journey, and a lot has happened since then. 

What has changed for D?

D is playing more socially compared to her earlier solo play in presence of other children. She has been able to identify friendships where she feels more comfortable, like with I, L and R, and has insane amounts of fun whilst with them. Separating her from them is always fraught with protests and tears, followed by passing out from exhaustion. From observing her, I sense play is only meaningful for her when it is self directed and she has a choice of what to do.  She does not want to be told how to play at all. There is a sense of independent choice making she values more now than before. 

D is also showing early signs of emotional awareness. Everyday, I check in with her on how she is feeling - happy, sad, angry or scared. And she has become increasingly honest about her answers. Just the other day, she said she was feeling angry because mummy brought her home when she wanted to play. The best part was that in a reflective space, she was open to listening to my perspective on why mummy may have done something she didn't want to do, and close with "It's okay, Papa". These conversations with this tiny human make my heart melt!  

D also recently saw her first movie from start-to-finish and while she didn't comprehend everything, she was able to track key events, understand cause and effect, read character emotions, etc. Watching movies is something P and I deeply enjoy, so now we prioritise children movies that we can all watch together once a week. Any good recommendations are welcome, preferably not-fully-animated! 

I feel we are developing a great friendship with D, and for now, she turns to us to play if she has no one else around of her age. Of course, P is her favourite, and that is because of her unconditional surrender to her whims, but then I am a close second. I am reminded of an anecdote related to her preferred playmate. She told P that "I like you" and me, "I don't like you. You go away."  And then, as I walked away with a frown, she came running and say, "I am only teasing you. I like you too." (Another sign of better emotional awareness and understanding the power of her words)

Physically, I see her trusting her body more and taking risks to do new things. For example, she has now learnt to summersault on her head, jump higher on the trampoline, climb rope ladders, etc. Seeing children, I am reminded of how strong and flexible the human body is, and being an adult from India, I regret how little care and attention I gave my body growing up.

What has changed for me?

One of the things I had written about in my last reflection was reclaiming my other identities as I emerge from early parenthood. Over the last 9 months, I feel I have made some progress there. I have been writing more often, have resumed working out at least twice every week, have carved occasional one-on-one time with P. I could do all of these things more often, but I don't want to make perfection or consistency the enemy of progress. 

I have had two short phases where I was navigating difficult emotions. However, this time, unlike last year, I have been able to regulate much better and not let that affect my presence with D. Not only am I more present, I don't transfer my frustrations onto her, nor make visible my negative self-talk while I am noticing and working through it. At the same time, I don't shield D from the lows and am vulnerable with my reflections to the level she understands.  This is the work of not passing on inter-generational trauma. 

I have also seen both my grand moms have debilitating health conditions, and feel grateful to have had them in my lives in my late 30s. While I have been grieving the loss of the people they once were, I am also thinking about how I can help D feel connected with her own grandparents. While holidays at one another's place offer an opportunity for shared time, what are the other ways we can explore that enable this connection to deepen across the distance? Ideas are welcome! 

Our mind-body-heart-spirit are deeply connected, even though the neo-capitalistic world thrives on the illusion of their separateness. As I see D, I see wholeness that is innate in her. She is alive and uninhibited. She is anchored in her body. She responds and expresses her emotions. A big question I hold is how I can sustain that for her. How can I not let social compliance, or the shoulds/musts of others around her push her into adaptive behaviours - behaviours that fragment this beautiful whole being into disconnected parts? While I know this question is important, I hold it with gentleness and the comfort that many are seeking these answers in our times.