How is it going, daddy? (7/n)

A lot has happened since I wrote my last update. We moved into a new house and set it up from scratch. I joined and left my first global job in the Netherlands to find another in my dream organisation. They may sound like two things, but they contain a million tasks and many highs and lows. Revisiting my last update,  I have felt more connected and present with D, and I prioritised my well-being again through an important life choice. 

Updates on D

D's physical, mental and emotional growth is incredible to witness. Besides what I shared last time, she can:

• Climb furniture with ease and balance herself cautiously near the edges
• Hang like a monkey on a beam or our hands 
• Make sentences with 2-4 words 
• Recognise when she wants to poop and get into her squatting posture (time for potty training is near!)
• Respond to social cues demonstrating mirroring of emotions ["Look baby crying" with a frown on seeing another child crying; bursts out laughing while watching a funny video] 
• Communicate her needs and wants more clearly 
• Establish and follow routines [like she will guide you through steps of changing her diaper, and brushing her teeth] 

I feel joy in seeing a human evolve and adapt to their environment. I wonder why 'formal education' is even necessary when it often kills curiosity and multiple ways of doing and being. At the same time, I feel grateful for institutions like the 'Partou' (Dutch childcare) that give her the opportunity to interact with others of her age and give parents a break to cater to other aspects of their lives. 

I have created intentional time to be with D on many days a week if not all. This time has been the source of much joy and connection for me. I hold on to a moment as a resource to get me through the draining workdays. I remember when she smiled at me and rubbed my cheek when she woke up in the morning. I remember her holding my finger and guiding me to her make-believe, self-prepped meal. No day passes without a warm-hearted moment.

Updates on Daddy

"Why draining workdays?" you may ask. This work was not physically tiring, like my teaching stint, but mentally exhausting. It was mentally exhausting not because it was challenging, but because it was mind-numbing and purposeless on most days. 

The organisation moved at a "mile-per-second" without paying attention to the depth of our listening, the effectiveness of our actions or the unintended consequences of our words and choices on others. It reduced people to under-paid resources who had delivered maximum throughput in their 40-hour-a-week engagement. Most days were about getting through a set of mindless tasks and deliverables. Most importantly, the organisation lived in denial of legitimate concerns that were shared by multiple team members about the ways of working. 

What made me uncomfortable was being pushed to adopt my manager's ways with my team. I had no intentions to micromanage; to make decisions without considering people's perspectives; to measure a person's worth just based on their efficiency. I would drag my feet to work and count the hours through the day, the days through the week and weeks through the month until I could no longer accept this as a way of being. I refused to numb myself to the toxicity. Eventually, I left sooner than later and on my own terms. 

I am proud that I didn't feel the need to 'save' or 'fix' the workplace. I chose to not diminish my light and remained authentic. I am happy that many people felt the impact I had through my presence in conversations and the spaces I created for them. I am reminded of Maya Angelou's quote.

I am grateful for my supportive communities in weaving, regeneration and wellbeing; some of my colleagues, who understood and validated my experiences; and my partner who stood steadfastly by me. I found courage and compassion in this difficult period through their words and presence. 

I cannot imagine how extending my stay in the workplace would have seeped into how I engaged with D as a parent and with P as her partner. It would have surely triggered traumas that I had worked on and life narratives I had rewritten. 

Larger Reflections

I deeply believe we only receive what we have the courage to walk towards in our lives. I found an opening in an organisation I admire the day after I sent my resignation. I received my job offer from them a week before my last day at work. I am entering a month of reflection, restoration and reconnection before I commence work there. 

Our lives are integrated and wholesome, and the choices we make in one sphere directly influence our experiences in others. What parts of our lives need attention? What is the darkness and pain we are looking away from? We need not meet these questions with fear but with curiosity and kindness. When we stay with the questions, the answers appear to us when we are ready. Until then, we receive guidance from our surrender to our deepest calling and the wisdom of our body, if we learn to trust and listen to them.  And sometimes, it is not the path you walk, but who you walk it with that makes all the difference.