How is it going, daddy? (5/n)
D has grown more in the last three months in her cognitive, social and emotional skills than last year. It has been a privilege to see these growth jumps, whether it is responding to the question ("What is your name?"), following instructions ("Go bring your shoes"), or demonstrating empathy (She said "No, no" with a frown when the baby elephant was being put in its enclosure for the night in The Elephant Whisperers). I marvel at the curiosity, compassion and connection innate to children and how they are not shy to embody it.
When D is awake, she is always in motion and keeps us on our toes. Physically, it is draining for all of us. When she is tired, she is cranky and often throws tantrums. Toddlers do that a lot. We have both been able to respond to her with gentleness and centredness. All the inner work has paid off!
Being Present
My mind space has been more scattered than in the earlier quarters with D. We are moving countries in a couple of months, with which come all the paperwork, the logistics, and the search for the right home, job and daycare. I have also had an exciting few months at work with BLR Wellbeing Festival and Taking Up Space.
I squeeze in as much personal and professional work as possible in the eight hours we have the nanny, including my workout, shopping, etc. Spillovers are inevitable, and the ever-growing to-do list lingers. My presence with D is adversely affected.
After a few months of struggle, I have accepted that I cannot optimise all needs and constraints - whatever will be, will be. I might not get what I want, but I will always find what I need. I have learnt to let go.
Raising for Resilience
Now that D understands language better, I have become increasingly mindful of how I listen or respond to D. This mindfulness has also made me a more acute observer of other children, adults and their interactions with D. I find them unintentionally saying or doing things that I wouldn't say or do around her - things that have adverse effects in the long-run.
For example, "Good girls eat their food without troubling mummy". It seems harmless, but the sentence is loaded with conditionality and inference:
These comments set in motion a chain of long-term effects on the child. Imagine their inner chatter when they hear these repeatedly. To be recognised as good, I must do what adults tell me. I must be compliant and not question. I must do something even if my body tells me it is wrong. What others say about me makes me a good or bad person. Imagine what this narrative could do to children's self-worth, agency and connection to their bodies! It would make their self-worth rooted in external validation, making them feel inadequate in its absence. It would make them hesitant to make choices. They would stop listening to their body with time.
I often wonder how to respond in these moments, but I don't. I let it be unless something has visibly impacted D. I recognise I cannot control all stimuli D receives. She will not grow up in a bubble. She is going to hear her share of inapt statements, and she is going to feel their impact.
Despite all these influences, she spends the most time with us. She learns from what we model as parents - her favourite role models (at least until she reaches her teens). Our behaviours and words are all we can control. How we express our emotions and needs, how we listen to each other and our bodies, how we reflect and respond to difficult moments, how we make choices and how we apologise and forgive will all be life lessons for her. She will have her struggles and the suitable capacities to respond to them. When she doesn't, we will always be there to hold space.
Humans have the gift of seeing ahead in time, but it is a curse when coupled with illusions of control that our modern-day society creates. Whether it is my future or D's, I have accepted that there is little control. I can only do my best for myself and my daughter. We will only draw the energy we send out to the universe!
When D is awake, she is always in motion and keeps us on our toes. Physically, it is draining for all of us. When she is tired, she is cranky and often throws tantrums. Toddlers do that a lot. We have both been able to respond to her with gentleness and centredness. All the inner work has paid off!
Being Present
My mind space has been more scattered than in the earlier quarters with D. We are moving countries in a couple of months, with which come all the paperwork, the logistics, and the search for the right home, job and daycare. I have also had an exciting few months at work with BLR Wellbeing Festival and Taking Up Space.
I squeeze in as much personal and professional work as possible in the eight hours we have the nanny, including my workout, shopping, etc. Spillovers are inevitable, and the ever-growing to-do list lingers. My presence with D is adversely affected.
After a few months of struggle, I have accepted that I cannot optimise all needs and constraints - whatever will be, will be. I might not get what I want, but I will always find what I need. I have learnt to let go.
Raising for Resilience
Now that D understands language better, I have become increasingly mindful of how I listen or respond to D. This mindfulness has also made me a more acute observer of other children, adults and their interactions with D. I find them unintentionally saying or doing things that I wouldn't say or do around her - things that have adverse effects in the long-run.
For example, "Good girls eat their food without troubling mummy". It seems harmless, but the sentence is loaded with conditionality and inference:
- Your current action is troublesome.
- You are bad.
- You are good if you eat food when others tell you to eat food.
These comments set in motion a chain of long-term effects on the child. Imagine their inner chatter when they hear these repeatedly. To be recognised as good, I must do what adults tell me. I must be compliant and not question. I must do something even if my body tells me it is wrong. What others say about me makes me a good or bad person. Imagine what this narrative could do to children's self-worth, agency and connection to their bodies! It would make their self-worth rooted in external validation, making them feel inadequate in its absence. It would make them hesitant to make choices. They would stop listening to their body with time.
I often wonder how to respond in these moments, but I don't. I let it be unless something has visibly impacted D. I recognise I cannot control all stimuli D receives. She will not grow up in a bubble. She is going to hear her share of inapt statements, and she is going to feel their impact.
Despite all these influences, she spends the most time with us. She learns from what we model as parents - her favourite role models (at least until she reaches her teens). Our behaviours and words are all we can control. How we express our emotions and needs, how we listen to each other and our bodies, how we reflect and respond to difficult moments, how we make choices and how we apologise and forgive will all be life lessons for her. She will have her struggles and the suitable capacities to respond to them. When she doesn't, we will always be there to hold space.
Humans have the gift of seeing ahead in time, but it is a curse when coupled with illusions of control that our modern-day society creates. Whether it is my future or D's, I have accepted that there is little control. I can only do my best for myself and my daughter. We will only draw the energy we send out to the universe!
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| The path is hers to choose. We can only hold her hand when she needs it! |
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