For the past few days, the word that perfectly defines my frame of mind is 'chaos.'
There has never been a time in my life when I have not known what my short term goals are. I have never reached a state in which I am confused about my priorities. What has changed is the fact that I haven't been doing what I should be doing. What I have experienced in the last few days is a loss of direction on the path towards my objectives. What I have seen on one hand is my strengths have become my weakenesses, while on the other, I have found solace in new found beliefs.
Is it because of the feeling of self-doubt? There isn’t any. Is it the dependence of my decisions on factors beyond my control? The thing is I don’t know if these are factors beyond my control. Nonetheless, I believe that I haven’t been able to force myself to see the larger picture. Trying to imagine how big the Earth is looking at a globe is not equivalent to the vision a spacecraft can give you. Sometimes you need to zoom out to see the enormity of the situation. I am just beginning to perceive what has gone wrong. But do I have enough time to set it right? Am I motivated enough to pull through? Only time will tell.
I begin a different phase of my life next week. God has given me a leeway to switch lanes. I don’t know if this lane takes me where I want to go, but I am hoping it will at least bring me closer. One certainty is that it will add an element of organization in my haphazard routine. I hope I learn to make the most of it soon.