Saturday, July 19, 2008

Present Tense(d)

For the past few days, the word that perfectly defines my frame of mind is 'chaos.'

There has never been a time in my life when I have not known what my short term goals are. I have never reached a state in which I am confused about my priorities. What has changed is the fact that I haven't been doing what I should be doing. What I have experienced in the last few days is a loss of direction on the path towards my objectives. What I have seen on one hand is my strengths have become my weakenesses, while on the other, I have found solace in new found beliefs.

Is it because of the feeling of self-doubt? There isn’t any. Is it the dependence of my decisions on factors beyond my control? The thing is I don’t know if these are factors beyond my control. Nonetheless, I believe that I haven’t been able to force myself to see the larger picture. Trying to imagine how big the Earth is looking at a globe is not equivalent to the vision a spacecraft can give you. Sometimes you need to zoom out to see the enormity of the situation. I am just beginning to perceive what has gone wrong. But do I have enough time to set it right? Am I motivated enough to pull through? Only time will tell.

I begin a different phase of my life next week. God has given me a leeway to switch lanes. I don’t know if this lane takes me where I want to go, but I am hoping it will at least bring me closer. One certainty is that it will add an element of organization in my haphazard routine. I hope I learn to make the most of it soon.


Pallavi said...

Hmmm..I'm going through something similar and hence I can totally empathise with you..
One of the problems which I face is staying constantly motivated..time is running out and I need to get my act together..
I'll end my comment by quoting Aamir Khan in the latest Samsung ad "Everyday I challenge myself..pushing my limits..its not the easiest way of living,but it is the finest."

Vishy said...

Well, you are right. Time will tell whether you pull through or not; in the meantime, what you can do is focus on the act of pulling through, and take decisions with your heart.

From personal experience, I can tell you that self-doubt is the easiest weapon we can use to kill ourselves. Never, ever doubt yourself [easy to say, hard to implement :) ].

You are actually quite lucky to experience a breakdown of order so early on; it is sure to teach you stuff.

May I know what this new phase of your life is?

Silent Screamer said...

nicely written,I'm sure everybody faces what u were facing...even Iam actually..and Iam just staying patient.SometimesI even don't understand what Iam doing,and what Iam going to do.It sure puts me into a turmoil.But hardwork and patience pays!
and now that you are even working(the different phase of your life that is)...all the very best!:D

The Illuminator said...

@Pal I totally agree with Aamir there!

@Vishy Work, training and everything around it. Though I wonder if it will leave me with any time at all.

@SS Big words coming from the little [technically young] lady [:P] Keep visiting!

Vaiba said...

hey.. we all have such tryins times in our lives..but trust has a way wherein things just figure out after sometime.. suddenly everything starts making sense.. so give it sometime..!!

The Illuminator said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nikita said...

Why are you saying exactly what's on my mind :P??

"I begin a different phase of my life next week. God has given me a leeway to switch lanes." At the moment I wish I had only one lane to go by!! You know exactly why!

vishesh said...

true...sometimes we need to zoom in and out...hope you are all right now :)

The Illuminator said...

Hmmm...Everyone is not served on the same platter ;)

Okies, I think I over-did the philosophical part in the post. I am NOT depressed.

I was only a little disappointed with the way things were, but then it was just that. But its good to know people who you know/don't know send out supportive comments. A little bit of motivation is always plus!

@Those who commented for the first time

Welcome to the Shadows. I hope you keep visiting. I too will catch up with your blogs, but I am still learning to make time for it all! Cheers.

Anonymous said...

i guess sooner or later, you can't escape chaos. it comes around in some form or the other.

you've never not known your short-term goals? i wish i were so lucky. usually i wind up just going with the flow. which isn't a bad thing.