Whispering Shadow

It has been 9 months since I posted about my parenting journey, and a lot has happened since then.  What has changed for D? D is playing more socially compared to her earlier solo play in presence of other children. She has been able to identify friendships where she feels more comfortable, like with I, L and R, and has insane amounts of fun whilst with them. Separating her from them is always fraught with protests and tears, followed by passing out from exhaustion. From observing her, I sense play is only meaningful for her when it is self directed and she has a choice of what to do.  She does not want to be told how to play at all. There is a sense of independent choice making she values more now than before.  D is also showing early signs of emotional awareness. Everyday, I check in with her on how she is feeling - happy, sad, angry or scared. And she has become increasingly honest about her answers. Just the other day, she said she was feeling angry because mummy brought her home w

When people are 300 seconds away from their death, research shows that there is a surge in electrical activity in the brain. Neurons are communicating rapidly with each other. Multiple parts of the brain light up in a manner the person was very much alive and dreaming. We don't know what these dreams are, but based on the experiences of people with near-death experiences,  we know they are likely to lucidly see the experiences that have shaped their being. My dadi is critically ill due to a fall and in the Intensive Care Unit. As a family, we are clear we don't want to extend her suffering. On receiving the news, my partner shared this reflection on death with me. I thought it would be good to send her a last wish, in the form of dreams I would like her to dream about, as she breathes her last breath. One of her strongest memories is of her ancestral home, that she left behind at the age of 14 years due to the partition of pre-independence India. She would dream about the acr

D turned two this quarter. Another year with her has passed quickly, but the days (and some nights) have felt incredibly long. As a dad, I have been reflecting on our journey. Witnessing her growth and forming a unique connection with her has been joyful. At the same time, I have often felt all my other identities and needs taking a backseat over D. This was a price both P and I were willing to pay when we decided to have a child. Her third year will be a lot more about us intentionally reclaiming some personal space. (TL; DR) D has come a long way from being a fully dependent blob of life to being her own person with her unique personality, interests, needs and wants. The most heartening aspect of the last year has been her increased communication repertoire in English - her ability to gather preliminary context, offer thoughtful reactions, empathise and share. Seeing her go, "Oh no, mummy has a boo-boo," or "I will help you, Pappa," or imitating animal sounds has

A lot has happened since I wrote my last update. We moved into a new house and set it up from scratch. I joined and left my first global job in the Netherlands to find another in my dream organisation. They may sound like two things, but they contain a million tasks and many highs and lows. Revisiting my last update ,  I have felt more connected and present with D, and I prioritised my well-being again through an important life choice.  Updates on D D's physical, mental and emotional growth is incredible to witness. Besides what I shared last time , she can: Climb furniture with ease and balance herself cautiously near the edges Hang like a monkey on a beam or our hands  Make sentences with 2-4 words  Recognise when she wants to poop and get into her squatting posture (time for potty training is near!) Respond to social cues demonstrating mirroring of emotions ["Look baby crying" with a frown on seeing another child crying; bursts out laughing while watching a funny video

D turned 1.5 years old yesterday. The highlight of the last quarter has been her tremendous learning curve and the curiosity underlying that! The lowlight has been the quality of my presence with her. Moving continents has meant moving our entire lives into a brand-new setting. It has required tremendous mental and physical energy, leaving little headspace to offer to D beyond the basics of cleaning, feeding, playing and sleeping. This post is an opportunity to pause and notice our journey together! D the Sponge D's soaking in stimuli from her environment like a sponge.  She surprises us by using new words and making connections daily, even though we are not explicitly teaching her. She watches a song on her tablet or a picture in her book, and then uses the word she learned from the song to identify real-world objects. She can identify and express her needs and preferences. For instance, she tells us what she feels like eating - "anna" (rice), "bundoom" (mushro

D has grown more in the last three months in her cognitive, social and emotional skills than last year. It has been a privilege to see these growth jumps, whether it is responding to the question ("What is your name?"), following instructions ("Go bring your shoes"), or demonstrating empathy (She said "No, no" with a frown when the baby elephant was being put in its enclosure for the night in The Elephant Whisperers). I marvel at the curiosity, compassion and connection innate to children and how they are not shy to embody it. When D is awake, she is always in motion and keeps us on our toes. Physically, it is draining for all of us. When she is tired, she is cranky and often throws tantrums. Toddlers do that a lot. We have both been able to respond to her with gentleness and centredness. All the inner work has paid off! Being Present My mind space has been more scattered than in the earlier quarters with D. We are moving countries in a couple of months, w

D turned one this week. While she hits new milestones every now and then, we felt nostalgic and proud as parents to have made it so far, feeling harmony and love in our hearts and exhaustion in our bodies.  The last three months have seen her taking her first steps, saying her first words with a clear meaning attached to them (ta-ta, hi), communicating nonverbally and eating an increasingly wide palette of food. It has been a joy and wonder to watch her learn and develop new skills and abilities, and react to a wide range of stimuli in her world.  While D's progress has always been visible to us, we are particularly proud of the progress we have made as parents. We have learned to let go. Let go of control: We have resisted the urge to impose a routine on her and let her learn to listen to her body and respect its cues.   Let go of fear: We have become mindful of every time we say 'no' and understand the fears from which the 'no' is truly coming. When it is a real

The last three months of the parenting journey have been joyful at one end. D has become more emotionally responsive to our cues, so it has been fun to interact with her, laugh with her and play with her. On the other hand, we have been having bouts of back-to-back viral infections which have disrupted our routines and impacted our energy levels. Both P and I have been in limbo over the uncertainty of our upcoming career transitions. While it has nothing to do with parenting, it has affected the quality of our presence with her. (TL; DR) If I had to choose one quarter I would want to closely witness in D's life so far, it would have to be the last three months. She is growing rapidly and learning new skills every week now. She has become much more mobile and sure-footed, transitioning from sitting to crawling to standing. She is learning to construct more and more sounds with her mouth. Her ability to handle objects has increased significantly. Seeing her learn from and respond to

"Much better" would be a great short answer to this question. After a turbulent first three months,  the next three months have been easier and more enjoyable. One thing that hasn't changed is the need for physical and mental rest amidst parenthood and full-time work. Setting process-related goals for our wellbeing has been more helpful than outcome-based goals. (TL; DR) What has made this phase particularly enjoyable is that D has grown to engage and respond to our inputs and her world. She has learned many skills - smiling, laughing, cooing, screaming, using body language, and crying. We have also gotten better at sensing her needs. In my mind, the first three months seemed like just a one-directional service with no rewards, tangible or otherwise. These three months have offered us small joys in return for our sweat and toil. As much as I want to be an unconditional parent, I savour the times I have of happiness, play and laughter as a return gift. These months have al

I was born in a Hindu household where I participated enthusiastically in many festive celebrations. As a child, I listened to stories of the partition from my grandmother and saw her gratitude for the life she was able to rebuild. My relationship with religion was of enthusiastic engagement with rituals and expectations.  In my formative years, I moved to the UAE, where Islam is the State's official religion. I heard the  azaan  five times a day and I did not eat in public during Ramadan. I went to an Indian school where students and teachers came from three dominant religions - Hindus, Muslims and Christians. I began to see religion as an unalterable part of identity. To me, Hindu, Muslim, or Christian were nouns and adjectives. However, I never thought critically about the practices and philosophies of different religions, except for the visible aspects, like clothing and food choices. I didn't know the ways of being, doing and relating that made me belong to a particular rel

Many people ask me how you are doing. The simple answer to it is - "I am well" However, the honest answer is "I am well now" The first month was draining, the second month was a period of adjustment, and the third month was when I finally started having fun. Let me share the evolution! MONTH ONE In the first month, we had a week-long stay in the hospital after a mighty scare during the delivery. In addition to getting adjusted to the baby (we will call her D), we were horrendously sleepless due to the endless, untimely hospital procedures. I was exhausted but kept trudging because my partner (we will call her P) was more tired, and D had to make significant adaptations in the world outside the uterus. Despite our parent's offering to stay overnight in the hospital, the rigmarole was draining given their age. I am grateful they held the fort at home, cared for our cat and brought us nutritious meals, besides substituting for me for a few hours every day. Besides

Until two years ago, I was staunchly opposed to the idea of having a child. Today, I have a two-month-old daughter. The transition from a no to a yes was well-deliberated. I wanted to capture my thought process here to help others considering parenthood. I am not saying what I am sharing is universally true. We have 7 Bn people on this planet, and there are 7 Bn truths. These were my considerations, being who I was. The intention is to just share. I have no desire to debate with you if your viewpoint is contradictory. Hopefully, reading this may help you understand where others like me may be coming from.  Why did I not want a child? My reasons for not wanting a child were manifold. I am sharing them in response to common reasons people advocated parenthood. "You need someone in your life to nurture."  I agree that nurturance is a fundamental human need, but I met that need through many sources. I had been a teacher and felt a sense of responsibility for my students long afte

It is okay to make mistakes and when you do, to forgive yourself. Don't overthink every decision, but learn from each one.  Learn to love unconditionally and reflect when you attach conditionality to your love in subtle ways. Put your relationship with the child before their 'compliance' or 'discipline'. Think hard about what 'good' means in good boy or good girl!  Step into your child's shoes often. A child is pure and does not have mal intentions. Keep the long-term view in mind. Your smaller, everyday failures or struggles may be a long-term win in disguise.  Bringing up the child in partnership with them. Listen to your child. Ask open-ended questions. Reconsider your requests and how often you say no. Co-create the norms and rules. Even when you are silent, your body language and nonverbal cues are doing the talking. Be mindful and reflective.  Model the behaviour you want the child to show. For example, be vulnerable with them if you want the child

I wish... ...you know and feel unconditional love and belonging and can offer it to others. ...you feel heard and seen and can make others feel the same. ...you can care and provide for self without feeling greed or inadequacy ...you are compassionate to others and most importantly your self ...you have the courage to be yourself and yet, accept that the self is a perpetual work in progress ...you can understand and question different paradigms before embracing them in your worldview. ...you can let go of beliefs, values and world views that are disproved or no longer serve you and your world without feeling shame, guilt or inertia. ...you are open to your outer world of people, places, things and experiences, and your inner world of thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs. ...you can plan for your life but also respond to emergence, trusting your intuition. ...you are self-reliant and yet appreciate your interdependence with other beings and nature. ...you strive for happiness, meaning

I left my last job on 14th August 2019 and am still on a break. While I was backpacking  in Vietnam after my transition, it was interesting to observe how so many travelers took long sabbaticals (often between 3 months to a year)  from work but Indians formed a minuscule percentage of these. What was not surprising was the reactions I received from other Indians -  How did you get this much time off from work?  Are you not worried about not having a job offer in hand?  How did your wife allow you to travel solo on a long holiday?  Why do you need three months to reflect?  Why did you leave your last job if you were happy with the work? Honestly, when I quit my job, I had no clue what I was going to do with the break. I had a sense that I had hit a learning edge. I knew my vision for my contribution to the world had evolved beyond the boundaries of my current role. I didn't know exactly what it was. I didn't even know if the break would lead to anything meaningful

The break over the last 10 days has given me a lot of time to zoom out and reflect on my journey over the last year. I wanted to begin the year by recording a personal reflection, to remind me of everything I have learnt about myself and this world I live in. Nothing we do is insignificant, despite our own insignificance Around 12 nautical miles into the sea, I could see only the ocean as far as my eyes could scan. I realized at one stage that the only landmass if I continued further south would be the Antarctic continent! The vastness of the ocean made me feel an immense sense of insignificance. I am not even a full stop in the book of the universe!  At the same time, I was thinking how my perceived insignificance doesn’t absolve me of responsibility. It is this individual responsibility or the lack of it that’s going to save or irreparably damage the future of our planet [looking really big picture :) ]. Looking back at the year, I could only think of the

In a planet with a life of five billion years in a universe with a life of nearly fourteen billion years, the average life of a species is between 16-25 million years. Considering our propensity for choices prone to self-destruction in the long run, I will be surprised if we even touch the million year mark considering how young we are as a species. Darwin's law of nature has been created by man and he will have to break the law if he has to play a longer role in the story of our planet. We live in a world that measures success based on economic and political growth and power. In such a unilateral world, how are individuals going to break free from measuring their own success in terms of money, achievement and power?  What will make them think about the future cost of their present choices? Unless the way countries perceive success changes, individuals are going to tread on the same path. However, that is a restrictive mindset to operate with. I think the right question to ask

I just completed the first week in my new role. Through the week, I had a growing understanding of what I must do to achieve my goals and fulfil my responsibilities. Moreover, I had a deepening understanding of how the fellowship had changed me to be able to see everything through a different lens.  While talking to the incoming cohort of Bangalore city, I realised how much of my present self is a function of the experiences of the last two years with my students in Jafari. Those 35 kids have left an imprint on my life that changed me in ways I am only beginning to imagine.  My children taught me to be thankful for everything that was going right. I remember a time when I was struggling with class in the absence of my team members. This absence had thrown a spanner on my ambitious plans. I stopped seeing the outcomes of my actions until I receive a letter from Mehak, one of my students. She said it was a difficult time for them and me. In my actions, she saw my strength to