Whispering Shadow

2020 was quite a dystopian year. There is so much that went wrong that it is hard to recall it all. Some events that stood out to me were: The CAA-NRC legislation The Delhi riots The global economic downturn Deepening caste divides including the cruel and disgusting murder and rape of a young Dalit girl  The polarized US Elections  The poorly thought-through farming acts and the subsequent agitation  All of this was happening in the background of the pandemic unfolding and taking away millions of lives as well as democratic institutions, including judiciary and media, being dismantled in India and many parts of the world. The pandemic made it harder to travel or socialize, which meant I had plentiful idle time to overthink about every update in the daily news cycle. While I caught myself early from these traps and took plenty of measures for my own wellbeing , I was missing the occasional escape from reality. This was where the on-demand TV shows on largely Netflix and oc...

The break over the last 10 days has given me a lot of time to zoom out and reflect on my journey over the last year. I wanted to begin the year by recording a personal reflection, to remind me of everything I have learnt about myself and this world I live in. Nothing we do is insignificant, despite our own insignificance Around 12 nautical miles into the sea, I could see only the ocean as far as my eyes could scan. I realized at one stage that the only landmass if I continued further south would be the Antarctic continent! The vastness of the ocean made me feel an immense sense of insignificance. I am not even a full stop in the book of the universe!  At the same time, I was thinking how my perceived insignificance doesn’t absolve me of responsibility. It is this individual responsibility or the lack of it that’s going to save or irreparably damage the future of our planet [looking really big picture :) ]. Looking back at the year, I could only think of ...

In a planet with a life of five billion years in a universe with a life of nearly fourteen billion years, the average life of a species is between 16-25 million years. Considering our propensity for choices prone to self-destruction in the long run, I will be surprised if we even touch the million year mark considering how young we are as a species. Darwin's law of nature has been created by man and he will have to break the law if he has to play a longer role in the story of our planet. We live in a world that measures success based on economic and political growth and power. In such a unilateral world, how are individuals going to break free from measuring their own success in terms of money, achievement and power?  What will make them think about the future cost of their present choices? Unless the way countries perceive success changes, individuals are going to tread on the same path. However, that is a restrictive mindset to operate with. I think the right question to ask...

The Ups and Downs of the TFI Fellowship in Jafari Off late, I have been thinking a lot about whether my students have made any progress at all . However, I think I was always asking the wrong question . I should have continued to ask myself "What have I learnt? How have I made others feel? What are the bonds that I have made?" I had this realization after speaking to one of the students who was a part of the Maya project in Pune . She told me, "When you think about where you are, you may feel you haven't done an excellent job . At this stage, I would ask you to think about how long and difficult the road you have covered was and what you learnt from it ." Children can unscramble life in the simplest of ways to help you rediscover the 'why' again!

I have spoken a lot about the choices of my kids on my blog. As I approach the final lap of my journey in the classroom, I have been reflecting more deeply on my own choices. It is the choices that I make that I make now that will be my enduring legacy on my students. Till August last year, my co-fellow and I had managed to effectively drive the love of learning, immaculate classroom systems, urgent and thorough collaborative planning, mind-boggling consistency in teacher action and a sense of belonging to a team working towards a shared vision. My classroom was on a path of transformation. Starting September, everything started going downhill. My thought partner, co-teacher and friend quit the school team. My stable class that was on its tipping point of its journey went through three configuration changes. And while all this was happening, I got married and chased my dream job to further take my focus away from the classroom.  If I look back at the last few months, ...

2014 has been the year that tested my tenacity in more than one way. The year posed many challenges on both the personal and professional front, which took away incredible amount of energy from me. I wanted to end the year on a high, but on the contrary, I am feeling at my lowest ever. My marriage, being the largest exercise in managing egos of diverse stake holders, took away my focus from my classroom. My students, who were on the path of transformation, have now lost the momentum towards their goals thanks to my distracted inputs and the absence of my co-teacher and thought partner. I am mentally tough and well planned, which has helped me deal well with the stress, but I am disappointed with the permanence of the outcomes which my dedicated effort in the classroom have yielded. Everyone tells me that I have fared fairly well considering the circumstances. For me, these two years were not about surviving, they were about pushing the limits of my belief, of what I can achieve. I h...

I strongly believe that the only way your students can imbibe a value is if you demonstrate it with utmost consistency in the classroom. I have focused a great deal on teamwork, hardwork, honesty and self control and have been able to demonstrate these virtues everyday. In addition, I have started  implicitly teaching my kids about excellence, empathy and gratitude. The last two weeks have been unimaginably stressful. It has been a true strength of my mental and emotional stamina. My focus has simply been to ensure continuity of learning despite everything that has changed inside the classroom and in our lives. In this time, I have often been slacking on some of the values of the class - especially excellence and self control.  I have realized how efficiently classroom systems and procedures helped me manage my energy this far. Many of them have gotten undone with changes in class and team structure. The burden of many small decisions has fallen back upon me, which t...

Our 7th grade team is reduced to half its strength because of which the remaining half, Neerja and I, have had to put in four times the effort in the class. I have personally had a terrible week in terms of engagement and management of the classroom. It is difficult to teach two classes well simultaneously if you are a single teacher. You need extremely strong structures and procedures, which currently don't exist in all the three classes. I have reached that stage again where I have started looking at everything in school negatively. I sometimes begin to wonder if their has been any change at all. I realize that the stress is just overshadowing everything that we have achieved this year. I am going to pause  the frantic pace of work this week to think about each kid in my new class. Alisha CB now comes to school regularly and participates in all classroom activities. Aliya and Mahek have matured into a strong and gritty leaders, learning to manage the different wo...

This week has been one of the toughest weeks of my life for many reasons. The good news is it is over. I need to adapt to the changed circumstances and quickly regain the momentum. Before I get lost in the craziness of planning and execution, I want to spend a few minutes looking at the bright side of the week that went by. I am thankful to Pritish for reaching out and considering me a true friend. I am thankful for how Metamorphians saw this week through. This week gave me a chance to see the independence which my kids have achieved. They were incredible. In a week when I was lost and lessons were haphazard, they held the class together on their own, showing tremendous patience with me and a lot of grace under pressure in handling the class. I owe them a celebration. I am thankful that our 7th grade team is reunited. We had parted for the sake of consistency and connect with the kids, but circumstances have brought us back together. As Neerja and I were thinking about the new s...

Entry two - 5th July 2014 I had the first movie time of the year in school. I showed my kids the movie "Kungfu Panda", which they absolutely loved. They have come to realize that movies are no longer just fun time. They will have to think and they will have to write. At the bare minimum, they will have to apply the skills they learn in comprehension and listening, they will have to make connections between the movie and their own life and they will have to think about values of the classroom every time they watch a movie. After the movie was over and we finished discussing the characters and their qualities, the big idea and the examples of values shown in the movie, we moved on to discussing what we could learn from it. I asked my students to write it in their diary so that we could share it with the class. And as is the case with every time they write their diary, I write my own blog. Being a teacher, what I learned from Kungfu Panda is the teacher can have no favour...

With the effects of Vipassana reducing and its practice ceasing in the last few days, I realized I was becoming more and more irritable at work and at home. I have to find someway that doesn't necessary require me to practice meditation in silence everyday but yet acknowledge the state of my mind and body with equanimity. Hence, I will start blogging with notes from the day everyday - trying to focus on finding a little bit of sunshine in what could also be a miserable day. Additionally, this will serve the purpose of the daily diary I read out to my kids in class. Entry One: 2nd July 2014 Today was a special day. The monsoons came back in their full splendour to the city. With them, they brought their share of smiles, laughter and some much needed relief from the heat of the extended summers. As is the case with every  monsoon, I was excited to step out and play in the rain. However, I couldn't because I had classes to take and meetings to attend. I had thought I will ha...

My first year of the fellowship is almost nearing an end. It has been one crazy roller coaster ride with its share of highs and lows. I have too many things on my mind and I am hoping by writing them down, I will free up some much needed mind space for other equally important things. Showing gratitude was one of my new year resolutions. I want to end the year by thanking everyone (or everything) who (which) has helped me see this through. In no specific order, I would like to acknowledge: My students, Mehak and Aliya , for constantly showing me the mirror and setting high expectations of me in the classroom - whether it is in my conduct or in my effort. My students, Muzammil and Awesh , for making me see that permanent change has no easy fixes. My students, Alfiya and Farheen , for making me believe that transformation is possible and there is a leader in each of us that is waiting to be discovered. My students , in general, for all the love and for providing me the toughest ch...

Without wanting to sound boastful, I must say I am proud of my mental toughness. I am. Rarely in life there has been a situation where I have felt I can't overcome a hurdle. I have always achieved what I wanted by being planned, focused and tenacious. However, I think in the fellowship, I have met my match. The first six months were difficult but manageable, but the last two months, when my stamina has reached its fag end, have been incredibly challenging. It is not that I am working lesser than earlier. I just have an increased cognizance of the effectiveness of what I am doing now. Many inputs are working for a majority of my students. My class has come a long way in terms of investment. There is a sense of oneness in the team. There is pride in belonging to the class. My students are working towards protect the class culture. I have a strong set of class leaders, who are learning to act with ethics, fairness and compassion. They have started sharing their thoughts and feeling...

As is evident from my last blog post, I have been having a tough time in the classroom for the last few weeks. To break the monotony, my co-fellows (Harry and Rajesh) and I decided to take our kids on a field trip on Thursday. We left immediately after school to save time. On board the train, we debriefed the kids on where we were going and what they were going to do to make this a memorable experience. Our first stop was the St. Xavier’s College , Harry’s alma mater. Harry’s friends were kind enough to show the kids around the college. The kids showed tremendous enthusiasm in greeting and meeting the collegians as well as explore the campus. Some of them for the first time saw a grand old college building, a chemistry lab, a fully functioning library, preparations for a college festival and a canteen where college goers ‘chillmarofy’ when they are free. We all grabbed a quick lunch and then moved on to our next destination, the 321 school. The 321 school is first in what wil...

I have started making my kids write journals. I have also been pushing them to share their entries with their classmates. Most kids feel shy and reluctant in sharing openly, worrying about being teased by their classmates. To set up the correct example, I make it a point to read my journal to them - unedited uncut and with complete honesty. After all, we are one family and we need to learn to share with each other. Considering the events of the last few days, I didn't have time to write my journal - but I did update my blog. In the last diary session, I told them I will read my blog post instead of my diary. I explained to them what a blog post is and they were amazed that you could write something which anyone in the world could read. I was in two minds initially about reading the post, considering it was about the circle of death. However, I realized these children have probably seen more death at such a young age than I ever will - so I went  on to read it. Usually my chil...

Shofiya is one of the brighter students in our class. She is quick-witted, hard working and capable of making the right choices. Last Wednesday, Shofiya's father gave up his long fight against brain tumour. Being her teachers, we went to meet her as soon as we found out. As soon as Shofiya saw her friends and teachers, she came out of the house. She met Akriti, her class teacher and my colleague, and gave her a hug - and the moment she did - tears ran down her face like water from a broken dam. She held her tight for nearly 5 minutes. After she had calmed down, she came up to me. As much as I would have loved to give her a warm hug, I didn't considering the sentiments of the community. While she walked up to me, my mind was searching for the right thing to tell her. I thought I will start with "It will all be okay." No, it won't after having lost the only bread winner in the family of 5. I instead told her "This is a difficult time for your family and you....

I have been travelling for the last 10 days in the lap of Himalayas – Uttarakhand. Time and again, during the travels I have had thoughts and afterthoughts which I have been waiting to pen down. Now that I have finally time to access my laptop, I am going to write a brief summary of everything. Thought #1: You are smaller than you think. I had seen the three pronged peak called Trishul many times during the course of my five hours journey to Kausani. This peak was a part of  the tallest mountainous terrain in the world, the Himalayas. What remained hidden behind the mountain, on which Kausani is perched, came into full view only when my car took a hairpin turn on a road in the city. Within a matter of minutes, a 300 kilometre long wall of the Himadri range presented itself to me. The peaks were numerous and covered in snow. At my eye level, they seemed to be only marginally taller than Kausani itself, but on further reading, I found out that the peaks on an average were...

Being the person I am, I am continuously discontent with the state of things unless they reach near perfection. Some people work till they get it right. Some people work till they never get it wrong. I fall in the latter category. The role of a teacher has put this spirit to test  - and frankly - I find it incredibly hard to be gentle on myself. However, in accordance with my mid-term self-assessment, I want to take note of positives that have been in this semester: 1) The Artists Project:  We started a project where kids are exposed to and trained in one of four art skills - dancing and drama, art and crafts, painting or public speaking for leadership. We only managed to have the selections and introductory sessions in this semester - and I am happy that the kids left the rooms excited waiting to see what was in store for them next semester. 2) Keeping the bar high:  I set extremely high expectations with my class. I was strict with the rules and task adherence. The...

Dear Kapil, You have completed one and a half month in your class now. You have had long and arduous days. Some days have brought joy and some have brought disappointments. No one said it was going to be easy to be a teacher. Everyone said it would be satisfying - that it has been! Over the last few days, I have had the opportunity to zoom out from the details and look at the wider picture. Here are some of my observations that may help you!! You have just seen the tip of the ice berg when it comes to the magnitude of work that lies ahead of you. Your kids have an incredibly long way to go till you can be sure they are on a purposeful and different life path. Change will be slow. Change will be painful. However, change is inevitable if you believe and act as per those beliefs. Change will also catch pace once you have mastered a few teacher tricks and techniques. Be gentle on yourself. There will be things within your control and things outside your control. You have always been...

Ahmed is a student in my class. He is a tiny kid with an infectious smile. He has a penchant for getting into trouble and hurting himself. Being hyperactive doesn't help his cause. As much as he is a distraction while teaching, I have not lowered my expectations of him in the class when it comes to behaviour. I have invested a lot of time in talking to him and his mother to build a connect. This Wednesday was the first day he showed a strong improvement in his task adherence in class and I was happy that something was finally working. Having met his mother a few times, I know he comes from the lowest of the the low income households that my students belong to. He lives in a small rented temporary accommodation with his parents and two sisters - one elder and one younger. His father makes hats for a living. His father's income is not regular and strictly governed by the off take in shops. His mother helps his father when demand peaks so that they can maximize their income. My...