How is going, daddy? (Part 2/n)

"Much better" would be a great short answer to this question. After a turbulent first three months, the next three months have been easier and more enjoyable. One thing that hasn't changed is the need for physical and mental rest amidst parenthood and full-time work. Setting process-related goals for our wellbeing has been more helpful than outcome-based goals. (TL; DR)

What has made this phase particularly enjoyable is that D has grown to engage and respond to our inputs and her world. She has learned many skills - smiling, laughing, cooing, screaming, using body language, and crying. We have also gotten better at sensing her needs. In my mind, the first three months seemed like just a one-directional service with no rewards, tangible or otherwise. These three months have offered us small joys in return for our sweat and toil. As much as I want to be an unconditional parent, I savour the times I have of happiness, play and laughter as a return gift.

These months have also been a period of resetting life expectations. I have worked at 80% capacity on most days and learnt to be okay with it. Fortunately, my work supports my constraints and offers many spaces to nurture my wellbeing. I also have part-time help in caregiving so we can be fully present and productive in our work. I recognise it is a privilege not many have, but I have let go of the guilt of using it.

Work and parenting take up most of my energy. The little that is left is invested in my wellbeing rituals. I have resumed some time for self-care every morning, whether it is our walks or workouts or time in nature. I have restarted my end-of-day gratitude practice with my partner. I invest 2-3 hours weekly in my learning and support communities, which I feel are very important for holistic nourishment. 

I have set up a cycle that allows me to consistently sustain my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energies to a 75%, if not a100%. While I am doing well, there I days I experience this lingering sense of exhaustion - a tiredness of the body and mind - and I have accepted it as only natural. 

We have resumed social engagements with family and friends but kept it low on our list of priorities. Whenever we meet, we choose a time and place that works for us. We communicate our constraints, and most people have responded with understanding. When we can't meet, we do exchange messages with them. It is the hardest to interact with friends who are also parents, but we understand it is a short-term dip. 

Introducing D to our biological and chosen family has been a delight. She has brought joy to everyone she has met so far! On a side note, a part of me feels jubilant when she wants to return to me after realising she has been with a new person for a while. It is a sign she has chosen and accepted me as her human.

I have also been more accepting of D. I have responded to difficult situations without feeling guilt or blame. Along with my partner, I have been able to revisit some helpful perspectives constantly. 

• We are both learning and finding our way, just like D. There is no perfect response - we make decisions based on what we know best then. 
• Children are more resilient than we think. No minor event or slip-up could have a catastrophic impact on the people they become. 
• Reflecting together as partners increases awareness of harmful patterns in our words, actions or feelings.

Sharing struggles with other parents and supporting them with their challenges have been worthwhile too. It reminds me I am not alone. I am a part of this community, figuring it out together. While talking to other mothers has been helpful from the perspective of inner and outer struggles, talking to dads has offered many practical solutions and some light-heartedness in this journey. I am glad I have open communication with both to nurture the masculine and the feminine needs in me. 

I see my evolution in this short period and feel grateful for the support and understanding that many have offered on my journey. I know my journey with D will get only more memorable with time. 

If you have not read part 1 of this series focused on the first three months of parenthood, you may wish to do so here.