Why I chose to have a Child

Until two years ago, I was staunchly opposed to the idea of having a child. Today, I have a two-month-old daughter. The transition from a no to a yes was well-deliberated. I wanted to capture my thought process here to help others considering parenthood.

I am not saying what I am sharing is universally true. We have 7 Bn people on this planet, and there are 7 Bn truths. These were my considerations, being who I was. The intention is to just share. I have no desire to debate with you if your viewpoint is contradictory. Hopefully, reading this may help you understand where others like me may be coming from. 

Why did I not want a child?

My reasons for not wanting a child were manifold. I am sharing them in response to common reasons people advocated parenthood.

"You need someone in your life to nurture." 

I agree that nurturance is a fundamental human need, but I met that need through many sources. I had been a teacher and felt a sense of responsibility for my students long after I stopped teaching them. Currently, I support the wellbeing of hundreds of individuals through my work, some of who have grown to become dear friends. Besides, my pet Kovu is more than a child to me. I did not feel the need to nurture another person because my work and life allowed me to deeply connect and care for many! 

"Being the only son, you need to propagate your bloodline."

I feel a deep sense of oneness with everyone and everything Gaia. All living beings and all things are just different constellations of the stardust at the source of our creation. And therefore, belonging is something that we should aspire for with everyone and not just our biological offspring. 

"It will add new meaning to your life."

If you are a self-aware and reflective person, every significant life experience can add meaning to your life. I have derived a lot of purpose from overcoming struggles, caring for someone or doing deep purposeful work for a cause close to my heart. A child would have added new dimensions too, but I did not see my life's meaning lacking in their absence.

"There is joy in motherhood."

I know we live in an unequal world, and I was worried about motherhood's implications on my partner's career and life despite my best support. For all the joy, I have seen all the women in my life compromise much to raise children. I didn't want my partner to wear sacrifice as a badge of honour.

"The struggle of parenting is worth it."

I don't deny anyone's personal experience, yet I don't see it this way. The human offspring is the most dependent one of all species on this planet. Children have tremendous mental, emotional, physical, financial reliance on their parents. Independence is a value close to my heart, and it would have undoubtedly been impacted by this responsibility.  

"Give us the gift of grandchildren."

I have deep respect for everything my parents have given me. I also understand a grandchild may give them tremendous happiness. I would do everything I can to care for their needs, but that does not mean I have to fulfil every demand. 

Having a child is a personal responsibility as parents. I have seen enough examples in my circle of parents adversely impacting and often damaging a child through their unconscious and unmindful words and actions or just their sheer absence in a child's life. As a parent, you should feel up to it to deal with the trials and tribulations. Our responsibility is as much to the next generation as the previous generation.

"You will regret being childless in your old age."

If not having a child was a conscious decision, then there is no reason for you to feel a sense of regret because you have thought about what you are foregoing and are willing to pay the price. You can learn to avoid emotions like regret and resentment by practising forgiveness, self-compassion and acceptance in your life. Besides, if you have a change of heart and mind while you still have the mental, physical and emotional reserves, there is always the possibility of adopting and raising a child in need.

"Who will take care of you when you are older?"

I don't see parenting as a transaction. It is a selfless, compassionate journey you commit to without expectations of returns. If you are a good parent, chances are your children may embody some of what you did if and when they become parents. Importantly, I have seen children who grow estranged from their parents or even hurt them. There is no guarantee of the future. Moreover, if you learn to nurture your wellbeing today, you can take care of yourself when you are older. You can build a community of support around you and ask for help from this community when you need it. 

"Parenthood is a natural milestone for all species."

Our population as a species is burgeoning. We reached 1 Bn only in 1804. After that, it took us 123 years to cross the second billion, 33 years to get the 3 Bn billion, 27 years to reach the 5 Bn billion mark, and just 24 years to cross the 7 Bn mark. This is not 'natural' for any species. Besides, our current ways of living put a tremendous strain on our planet's resources and wellbeing. Adding another being will not make things easier from an ecological viewpoint. 

Other Considerations

• Parenting would add another being to the household that requires financial resources and reduce my risk-taking abilities with my career.
• The current urban, capitalist, consumerist, individualist way of life is something I detest. However, it becomes harder to escape it and adopt an alternate lifestyle in India when considering your partner's career. I did not want to add a child's education to this mix. Living in a city also adds to your expenditure.
• You have to feel mentally, emotionally and physically ready to have a child. Besides, your relationship should be on a stable footing to survive parenting struggles in a united, aligned manner! Luckily, this was not a concern I had on my mind.

Why did I want a child?

All the arguments I have shared above were from my own personal perspective. They did not consider the wishes and desires of my partner, who was very keen to experience motherhood just once in her lifetime. She was the primary reason for my change of heart.

During the pandemic, I spent a lot of time listening to my partner's perspective. Through these conversations, I had new dimensions added to my own considerations. 

• Unlike me, I knew her need for nurturance was not being met through her work. 
• She was willing to take risks with her career for the sake of experiencing this journey, knowing I would be an equal partner with her. 
• Having one child in place of the two of us would reduce our environmental impact in the long run.

In addition, conversations with my partner opened up many new dimensions as well:

Trusting who we are

As individuals, we are highly reflective, self-aware and conscious of our influence on others and our planet. We can raise a child who interacts and engages with the world differently. Our child could embody some of our values, becoming a more conscious, responsible citizen who plays a role in saving our species and our planet, or at the bare minimum, not harming it any further. 

Knowing our love and compassion is abundant

Focusing our love and compassion on a child need not take away from our love and compassion for other things, people or causes dear to us. In fact, a child may give us an everyday opportunity to practice giving them more unconditionally. As a result, we may grow as people and deepen our relationships. 

Our past bold choices have been more rewarding than draining

In recent years, we have made some bold choices with our careers. Despite a drop in our income, we never felt we lacked something materially. In fact, it clarified our life aspirations further of choosing wellbeing and authenticity over wealth. We had gained in many different aspects of our lives, making those choices. 

The pandemic further clarified how privileged we were compared to the underserved communities of our society. There was nothing to fear. Many of my fears were possibilities and not guaranteed. If they came true, we had the functional skills, inner resources and relationships to mitigate them.

Conclusion

When compared in quantity, the cons of having a child seem far more than the pros. But in the end, I wanted to be supportive of my partner's desire of experiencing motherhood. My reasons for not having a child came from a place of fear, but her reasons were rooted in love. As we spoke, I realized experiencing parenthood would enable us to further discover one another, practise unconditional love and acceptance and grow more resilient. We would have at least a decade to commit to this co-creation and co-evolution, which seemed like an exciting adventure.

PS: In my next post, I will share a bit about my early experience as a parent.